Finally May

"A mother's joy begins when new life is stirring inside... when a tiny heartbeat is heard for the very first time, and a playful kick reminds her that she is never alone"

Today seemed like a bit of a struggle. The bleakness of the sky and the harsh bite of the wind were ones to encourage melancholy. Melancholy had been evaded so far and set on the shelves to collect dust and be forgotten. Not today. It was if I had stumbled upon it, knowing all along it would reveal itself to me. I had laid in bed engulfed in the comforts of my quilt with the company of a companion whose love will never wane. Yet, I realized what I wanted the very most I could not have. At least for now. Many times I have repeated to myself "Patience is a Virtue" knowing every time I recite it patience would reward me. But my patience is being tested. It seems as if it threatens to spill over the brim. How can one person deserve so much patience? Why this person? Why? Out of the billions of people in this world, why this one individual? I did not ever think this person would ever make me feel this way. However, I begin to discover my nativity. Knowing one must move on but really must I move on? This is too important. This is something bigger that I can't explain. In time, everything will reveal itself. I will not give up on anything. I refuse to blindly let go of this. Why? Why is love not enough sometimes? That too will not be given up so easily. Today will end and a new day tomorrow. A smile will mask all. I once was told, we play many roles in life and we must convincingly portray our different characters. Tomorrow will be the day where I shine for the world, sharing my smile and kindness, and being the muse for everyone's entertainment. It's the easiest part to play.

Crunchy leaves fall before my feet

Once so bright in the summer's eve

It's like the dreams I once held

So immaculate that they shine

Now they fall to the ground

Like shadows of yesterday

Fall right before my eyes

so fragile and brittle

One step forward

A single stomp

Then gone.



Yet hope comes again once more. This is what I hold on to. With a head held high and a spirit so bright.

It's like I'm a child again. The contours of my imagination has formed a phantom which haunts my every waking moment. The presence is overbearing consuming me in flames of the unknown. Despite the pleasure of it my first instinct is to flee. However, whatever my natural defenses are telling me to do, I stay. I stare the phantom in the face. There I see. I see so many things I want. I cannot understand why.

I reach my hand out to caress the wisps of shadows that beckon me. It is absolute torture. I see but I cannot touch. I begin to realize that I must touch another way, with my mind, my emotions, my heart. This is what frightens me the most. In order to feel like one with this I must expose myself. This is difficult. I guard myself as if I am a secret that no one is allowed to know. I let bits and pieces out but never all of it.

The phantom disappears only at night when I am fast asleep. Yet it is still there, skimming along the brim and cusps of my mind. I can feel the remnants of it when I wake for it is always there when I open my eyes. It is like I am a prisoner. What am I to do when I cherish freedom above all else (aside from loyalty of course)?

I have yet to remember the solution to the question.

Yes it is a like I am a child again but this is not how I had dreamed it when younger. Oh no not at all. This is much, much better for never had I imagined a phantom quite like this.